Category / depression

January 13, 2016

The friendship equation. Solving for the unknowns.

friends hiking

Outside of my family the person I see most is someone I haven’t spoken to in nine years. We don’t live in the same state anymore, but when I am in a certain state of mind he visits me, sometimes helpful, sometimes mocking, always too slippery to hold on to. For the first handful of years after our break up I nursed my pain. I was energized by the hot spike of indignation I felt when I told our story and his ultimate betrayal. I would tease out the ways in which he was wrong, the ways he failed Read more […]

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December 1, 2015

Ten (thousand) things depression and pain have in common

For six weeks I have had a pain in the neck. As distinct from other times in my life when I have been a pain in the neck this discomfort is inflicted on me…not by me. I have some sort of cervical impingement on a nerve and also, either through coincidence or dark magic, I have radial nerve involvement. Which means that for the last 60,480 minutes I have been in pain.  This pain ranges from moderate to childbirth transition bad or 4-400,000 on the pain scale. If I were in the hospital and were Read more […]

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September 1, 2015

Such a Pill

Standing in the sunshine chatting with a friend while she waters our community garden our talk turns from carrots and beets (why is it that 40 something women love beets?) to drugs. Despite being in Colorado, and standing amongst buds and leaves we are not talking about the green kind, but the pink oval pills that get me out of bed each day. She works in the field and confirms what I have been reading and experiencing myself…our system is providing less support for mental illness, exactly at Read more […]

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August 12, 2014

Giving In to Depression

giving in- thinking about suicide and depression

So after battling, sometimes people give in. They have passed the point where they can turn things around on their own. Their intense love for their children is buried under heaps of misery so thick they can barely speak their own name. Whatever energy they have is used to put on a public face, pretend to be functional for the people around them, and is not towards shining a light of reason into the blackness of depression.

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February 6, 2014

All this and a bag of chips.

As I pulled from Spear to Main street headed past UVM “downtown” for breakfast the brown sugar snow caused the mini van to jitter. It wasn’t a full fledged fish tail, but don’t tell my stomach which dropped floors worth as I quickly catalogued the traffic around me and the odds of crashing into the commuters. Safely on Main I realized how much the not near crash mirrored my thoughts. After reading for days about Philip Seymour Hoffman’s drug overdose he was on my mind as I drove. I Read more […]

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January 13, 2014

Good Morning

Good Afternoon and Good Night. That, by the way, is Truman’s catch phrase and the final line of the movie. As for me two of those are true. Yesterday was a beast. It had all the makings of a lovely Sunday. Basking in the afterglow of a Patriots post season win, tea in bed. A jigsaw puzzle. Skipbo with Oliver. PJs all day. I could feel the storm brewing early. I started with a list of what it takes to keep our house running and felt small bubbles of anger that I wasn’t assigning any Read more […]

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December 25, 2013

Shadows of you

I haven’t thought of him in years. Maybe decades. He used to be my constant internal companion. When my parents took me to China, now a story of adventure, then a time of aching loneliness, he was with me every day. I remember the first time we met. He was a shadow in his mother’s kitchen. We entered through the side door, the family door and it smelled like someone else’s dinner. Warm, spicy and not the smell of home. The room was dim, and he was tall and dark in the corner. His sister, my Read more […]

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November 20, 2013

Name Brand

I am the same person I was yesterday. But words have power, and labels change things, as much as we try to look through and beyond them. Your son has Asperger’s syndrome. You hear this with a strange mix of relief and misery. Relief that the label might frame the conversation, point towards useful interventions, be HELPFUL. But dread because you know words can hurt, diagnoses can narrow our focus from a whole person to a set of symptoms. Richie Incognito, a leader in the Dolphin’s defense wrote Read more […]

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November 14, 2013

Procrastination, perfectionism, depression

Go head and click these links if you want to understand the references. If you don’t click this will go faster and be a less effective procrastination tool. Why procrastinators procrastinate. (more like how…but its mostly brilliant so we can let that go.) How to beat procrastination. (Or start to beat it…) Years ago I was planning to build a procrastination app but I never got around to it. As much as that sounds like a 2010 iOS conference punchline it is the truth. I wanted an app Read more […]

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November 10, 2013

No title.

If it didn’t worry me it would almost be pleasant. I feel my breath in and out, my eyelids, the almost imperceptible difference between the mattress and me. The sounds of my life are outside my bubble. Leo’s incoming skype call from an unseen minecraft buddy. Oliver dragging the desk across his floor. The peeing cat’s yowl to come inside. The way the heat sounds like the dryer. Or is it the dryer? No. Its the heat. We have given in and turned it on. Every piece of me feels leaden. Like the Read more […]

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