Category / depression

October 31, 2013

Jumping off

My mother asks if she needs to be worried, really worried about my moods. A friend reads my blogs and asks if I am talking to anyone. I am not at risk of suicide. I would never do that to my children, not even at my darkest moments or my most detached. We are going to live this life together, until they choose to live their own, and I become a bit part. For now though I am central, the one to snuggle, the one to show your funny pictures, the one to read to and be read to by. So no matter how Read more […]

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October 23, 2013

There’s a Scott on the Couch

A minute or so after she didn’t snort coffee through her nose she looks at me like I’m the weird one. “This couch, actually.” I tell her, patting the red leather. “But I’ve had it reupholstered since then, so there isn’t much Scott essence left.” Steve has joined us in the room, back from walking the kids to their meet up point in the woods. Its walking Wednesday today. He is a little groggy still, but she looks to him for confirmation, the other sane person in the room. A guy just lived on Read more […]

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October 14, 2013

On the up and up

I peer into the mirror and realize I have both washed my face and brushed my teeth twice in the last 10 hours. This is really good. On the way down into my depression pit I am fighting against it, clawing at the wall for a handhold. Raging at the slide. This effort seems to fuel my descent. And I enevitably end in the darkness. Alone down here. As long as I don’t fight it it is fine. A thin line between enlightenment and clinical depression. I am unattached. In the world of real humans attachments Read more […]

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October 10, 2013

Take it from me.

I am so sick of my negative self. I mean, just look at that opening sentence. Which part of it is positive, or forward thing, or useful in any way at all? None part. Not one part. I am going to rant away right here. As much as I can think of. Then starting tomorrow I will look for bright spots again. I’m assuming this is the VERY worst day of the med switch. I am off of the theraputic dose of zoloft and not yet up to the theraputic (how do you spell theraputic?) dose of the new medicine Read more […]

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October 4, 2013

The Dark Side

As the days dwindle, and the sun is not yet winter thin these golden evenings demand attention. I take the same walk two days in a row. The first overcast. Things are dewy and beautiful, but flat. The mountains a smudge, the grasses a field instead of individual shoots. The dirt road is a wide ribbon, and my movement is the only animation along the stretch. The next day it is all sun and shadows, the movement of light through the leaves and reflecting off the pond, 100,000 twinkles of daylight Read more […]

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October 2, 2013

Herstory

Her slim brown arm lay face up on the table in front of me. She traced the scar gently with her fingertip. I saw muscle, tendon, hairless dark skin, and the white line from forearm to wrist. If you are serious about suicide, she tells me, this is how you do it. Not across like a bracelet but lengthwise, and it really helps to be in a warm bath. I picture her then, in a clawfoot tub, in the apartment she has not yet moved into, head back in rest, swirls of cloud red blood, and it is almost restful. My Read more […]

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October 1, 2013

Fuzz off

An Angela and Anna exchange. What is this? Look here. Anna asks: Dear Angela, I wrote this whole long post today about my weekend. And I was fine for the weekend. Really. Not up or down, not too distant or too scope creepy. But now I have just floated away. And the only post I could write was one that recounted things without adding any depth or texture. Those features are gone. Its like I am visiting my own life. Oliver learned to text on his “phone” which is an old iPhone Read more […]

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September 20, 2013

Strike Out

I can see the good in almost everything, I just often have a wicked big caveat***. I’m inspired by the bloggess to try to strike that asterisk.(Go ahead and click that link so she will know how much I love her…and fast forward to the bear post. Its worth it.) Its gorgeous and sunny today, probably for the last time this year. I left the bed at 11:42, made myself a healthy breakfast, and returned to bed, at 11:47. I feel engaged, productive, and flexible, like 1 out of 31 days. Shelburne Read more […]

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September 19, 2013

Such A Pill

Angela Arsenault. She called me one day and said that her shower vision was that the two of us would write a book. I myself rarely have shower vision because I am rushing through it so quickly to get it over with. I have walking vision, car passenger vision, and fuck I wish I were sleeping vision. Nonetheless, I was excited to be part of her shower vision even if it had to do with writing. a. book. In addition to being a good friend she is an incredible (and real) writer. Like, people pay Read more […]

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August 7, 2013

Float or sink.

The oldest man in the world is doing laps in front of us. As the boys bicker over whether or not to play ping pong I watch him bob forward. I am both impressed and alarmed. I imagine he wouldn’t mind going this way…but I’d rather not be here for it. His loose skin, having lost the elasticity of youth is half a stroke behind him, dragging in the water like a peach parachute. The boys have moved on to a tickle/taunt game. Right now giggles. Coming soon shrieks. The pool area is pretty empty, our Read more […]

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