5 kinds of first dates.

We can talk about your first date if you want to. We can review the “he said…then I said…then he said” bits. We can wonder if you should email or text or call. But we already know your story. At least if you want to.

I will dissect voice mails and texts all day long. It will keep me off of zillow. I am happy to share this distraction with you. As long as you know it is a distraction.

[Tweet theme=”basic-white”]It has been six weeks since your first date. If isn’t happening…it isn’t happening.[/Tweet]It has been six weeks since your first date. If isn’t happening…it isn’t happening.

It may in fact be the timing or the location. It really may be nothing about you, or him, or you and him together. But if it were going to happen. We wouldn’t be talking texts. You two would be picking out your thanksgiving turkey. The difference between the rose in bloom and the decaying petals on your shoe is how well you can interpret your first date.

Here are five kinds of first dates:

1. Mutual escorts. You have plenty to talk about. You may bump noses in your goodnight kiss. In another life you would be friends. But you are both single so you make plans places together. You try to convince yourself you feel something. He is good on paper. Lists are good on paper.

Next step: Find a gay guy to be your event date. Have lunch with this one. It may stroke your ego, but when he gets possesive cut him loose.

2. Fun until you fuck. Lots of laughs. A long late date. Banter, double entendres, questions in the emails, by the third date you are in the bedroom. He doesn’t go radio silent, but the banter slows, dates spread out. Its a subtle fade away.

Next step? : If you want something casual keep it up. But never, ever imagine it will grow stronger. You had the best of him already. He showed you that with the post coital retreat.

3. Whoosh. It feels good. The date is longer, closer, more intense. He may cook for you. You really connect, you imagine a future. Then he actually TALKS about a future. The next date is one the books. You float away in happiness. He disappears. Gone. Probably dead. I mean, he must be dead because nothing else would keep him away from you. Except the whoosh.

Next step ?: None needed. He’s gone already. Try not to find him on facebook. Nothing good will come of that. And when you run into his friend at the dog park and she asks you how your trip to Boston was? Try to play it cool. She doesn’t need to know about the whoosh.

4. Borderline. This is the tricky one to ID. At least for the person dating him. I can tell from your tone of voice on the phone that he is borderline. You are happy, but not giddy. You have questions, but you interrupt yourself providing logical explanations. He didn’t quite whoosh away. He sends charming texts, almost as if he can sense your questions. He is doing nothing wrong. He is hot, smart, funny. And you are still wondering. That is how you know. If you feel anything but full on pursuit coming from him it is not going to happen. I mean, it could stretch on. You could date for a long time. You could even date exclusively. This is no life partner though. At least not for you.

Next step: Figure out if you are really looking for the one. Maybe 80% of the one is actually what you want. As soon as you give an ultimatum you must bail. That action shows that you want more. This is important information for yourself. Not for him. It doesnt matter what he things because we are not playing games here. So stay or go, but you decide. His actions from here on out are irrelevant.  *Caveat, if you are under 28 he could potentially turn into the one. But frankly there will be a lot of waiting and self doubt involved so I’m not sure I would recommend that. Might be more efficient to end it, see what else is out there, and let him “find you” again a bit later, when he realizes that you are in fact the best.

5. The one. The first date lasts 36 hours. He is super into you and it doesn’t make you feel the least bit creepy. You are just you. You have no list of if onlys. . .(he was over 5 ft 10, he had a hot accent accent, he were a lefty)  You don’t catch yourself tugging at your shirt or powdering your nose or nibbling on the skin by your thumb or using planned out lines or google referenced song lyrics. You ask questions and remember his answers. He asks questions and makes eye contact. You share interests. The idea of going grocery shopping together sounds hot. Your words spill out. Your silence isn’t scary. You give each other permission. For anything.

What’s next: The hard work comes next. Enjoy this part. Its the honeymood phase.

Bottom line. Forget the games. If he doesn’t like you because you like pop music that is just efficient sorting. You will need to meet a lot of these guys before one fits. Make it easy for everyone. Be yourself, ask for what you want and cut loose the ones who don’t make you drop everything to answer their call. When you end it tell them why as honestly as you can without being hurtful. It will help them move on, and possibly make them more appealing for the next person.

I know how exhausting this is. I got a dog to meet a guy. Being single is right for lots of people. If it is not right for you get going. There are going to be lots and lots of dates 1-4 before date 5.

OK readers. Single? Have you seen these types? Are you fruitlessly trying to transition a borderline guy into the one? Married? What was your first date like?

How to interpret your first date.

 

Sexcuses, sexcuses

SexcusesThere are lots of couples that have rocking sex lives. This article is written for the rest of you…the ones where re-virginization is just around the corner and you and your partner have become roommates rather than playmates.

Whatever your reason for slowing your sex life to a snails pace I want to encourage  less rationalizing and more doing…it.

10. Birth control– Yes, abstinence is the best birth control. But if you are married, and not a practicing catholic then for fucks sake figure out an alternative method. We’ve used it all, and have ended with a vasectomy IUDs, condoms, timing, the pill. A longer term method seems best, and if you are having regular sex you can pretty much assure yourself of the best protection from STIs, but a condom will work in a pinch. No pun intended. What, he doesn’t like condoms? You know what else he doesn’t like? Blue balls. Get some coconut oil and go for it. It might even last more than four minutes.

9. Kids are around all the time. Are they in the shower? What about during school hours? How about a lunch date at home, or meet each other at work and channel your inner teenager and do it in the car. Bring the kids baby wipes for quickie clean up. If they are too young for school they are not too young for you to have sex while they are awake in the house. Turn on the tv babysitter and use your door lock. What about early mornings? Are they in your bedroom at 5:30 am? Set the alarm and surprise him. I bet he makes the coffee. Wait…they really are in your bedroom at 5:30 am? Sneak into the guest room.

8. He doesn’t turn you on. Obviously he doesn’t turn you on all the time, but he must have once or twice or number 9 wouldn’t be a problem. Replay old memories, and look out for new moments. I despise golf, but this summer I rode along with friends and Steve had the golf cart ahead of us. He was the passenger. The driver had a mishit (ha ha a mishit is full of shit) and walked the fairway. With one arm dangling out the side Steve stayed in the passenger seat and fluidly drove the cart to the next spot. That totally unexpected moment of mastery, even of something as lame as driving a golf cart, made him look so appealing to me. Good fodder for times when he seems like a dork.

Have you been focusing on the daily grind so long that you can’t remember these moments? Think outside your house. Does anyone turn you on? Imagine that person. Fantasy is fine if it gets you fucking. (Celebrities are a safe start) Once you have paired your loving spouse with Bradley Coopers enough times he will BE your Bradly Cooper. If no one turns you on you should talk to your doctor, run some tests. In the meantime practice NOT bad mouthing your husband in public. Serious conversations with close friends are allowed, as is mockery if it doesn’t undermine your own feelings towards each other. I’ll make fun of Steve for his rule following nature. Two days ago he drove up to the parking lot entrance and fumbled for our hotel room key in the dark when the directly adjacent exit had its gate arm straight in the air in a welcoming fashion. This is funny, and recounting it doesn’t make him less attractive to me. I make this point about not tearing down your spouse not because of loyalty or what the people you are talking to will think, but what it will make you think. If you spend time picking out his flaws, and obviously he has them, at the expense of his competencies that is what you will focus on. It will not help him become more attractive. Sometimes there is a hidden bonus in your over attention to his bright spots. I started talking about what a great cook Steve was before he was better than a good cook. He loved it, and I could tell he identified with it. I promise this was not strategic but just good luck, now he really is a great cook, one who with pride does 98% of our cooking. How’s that for fuckworthy?

Here is the bottom line on your attraction level to your husband. He is your husband. That makes him fuckworthy. If it helps to get rid of the cargo pants go for it, I’m pretty sure he would trade them for a few blowjobs, but the issue isn’t the cargo pants. It’s in your head. Think about the good stuff.

7. The sex just isn’t that great. That’s on you. Everything takes practice and communication. Make sure you have good lube (coconut oil) some good toys, some good reading, and the karma sutra app. Look around your house, how are the counter heights? Yoga balls? Foam rollers? Use props if they help. Turn your clue game into a sex game. He is Mr. White and Ms. Scarlet costumes optional. Professor Plum, in the bathroom, with the anal beads. Put on music. Pace yourself to the music. You get on top. Then if it sucks you know exactly who is at fault. It won’t be great all the time. When it is it is. That makes the other times worth it.

6.TV is better. Well, duh. When you are exhausted and not turned on tv is much more comforting than getting naked. But no matter how much you love the folks on Nashville, none of them are going to take you to dinner, or build a fire in the backyard. So make it a game. Give him until the first commercial break. Rip each other’s clothes off and get it going. Then maybe he will even watch with you.

5. You don’t want to be touched. This can mean so many things. Clingy kids where your body is not your own, lack of self love, aches and pains. At its extreme you need help outside of the bedroom(PsyD kinda help) but for most of us you can conquer this with a little play time. Try a desensitization exercise. Drink some wine, shut off the lights, lie down, and explore each other. Here’s the thing. No sex. As much touching as you want but no sex. If his touch is too light and tickly tell him, if there re one or two spots that take you out of your body and back into your head, tell him. Too hard? Tell him. Model what you like on his body. Send yourself to your finger tips. Quiet your mind. 10 minutes each. Some reading can be good too. 50 Shades of grey was an international best seller for a reason. Lots and lots of women loved it. I got lucky when I was in high school and had to spend time waiting for a bus in a lesbian book shop. I wish I had been brave enough to buy this book but it was this huge heavy thing about your vagina. It taught me how to have an orgasm with remarkably little manual stimulation. If I could link to it here I would. Maybe google orgasms? I digress, he loves skin. There is not a single part of my body that I love as much as my husband does. I am pretty sure this is not a case of me having found a unicorn. Men love skin. Your husband loves yours. You might be thinking about puckering, he is thinking about curves. Let him grab them. If the gentle desensitization game isn’t for you try a rough version, we live in Vermont, we need to use those ties for something. Now you have to submit to his touch. Does that help? It might. We are all different. Except our husbands who are all the same because they want to be having sex.

4. Withholding sex is the one part of your life that makes you feel powerful. This is an unspoken reason that keeps many of us sexless. Guess what? Having sex is what actually gives you power. Not only do you run a little hotter in your own life, sense of self, and creativity, but MOST important it allows you to give your husband what he needs. Not wants. Needs. Across the animal kingdom altruism is rare but powerful, and if you do it enough it might just turn into symbiosis.

3. Laundry, dishes, other bullshit. Having a tidy home is comforting. It may feel extremely important to you. Disorder may keep you from being able to imagine anything recreational. A. Sex is not recreational. It is more important to an orderly household than any amount of clean coffee mugs. B. You will have HELP with that orderly home after a little Saturday morning togetherness

2. It makes a huge mess.

1. Too tired. Most of us are tired. Few of us get the sleep we need even if we don’t have small kids. The more exhausted we are the shorter the sex will be. So just shut up and do it. Seriously, if you are both wiped out it will take 5 minutes and be pretty basic. Acrobatics are not required, removing your shirt is not required, having an orgasm is not required (although it is highly recommended) Keeping your marriage a marriage and not an exercise in coparenting is required. Take some vitamin b6. There is a chance it will help.

If you are too lazy to click the link I will remind you…sex in a marriage should not be optional or conditional. It is as important as speaking. It is likely the primary way that your husband feels connected to you. If he stopped talking to you for months would that fly? I mean he is just too distracted with work, and kids, and cooking to manage to have a conversation. The two of you would be in therapy so fast his silent head would be spinning. But across the suburbs we seem to have accepted that women dish out sex every other Saturday. And it is served kind of cold. Heat things up people.

Try to get some toys do some reading find some new venues. BUT if you don’t do that still do it. image

Fun with polygamy

Screen Shot 2016-05-10 at 9.35.40 AMIf you are like me, you think normal is weird.

Shelburbia does its best to fold and stow its freak flag. Our cars range from sport utility to mini van. Our afterschool activities are soccer, ceramics, piano, french club, and organic farming.  All children must be able to identify and dissect an owl pellet by second grade. Volunteer opportunities for parents in the school include compost patrol, where you help ensure that food waste is not landfill bound.

We fight about street lights. Too many! Light pollution, wasted energy. Too few! Safety, safety. We have walking Wednesdays and biking Thursdays, and healthy snacks.

We rotate through crisp fall (apples), and crunchy snowed winter (skiing), muddy spring (justifying our massive mudrooms), and sparkling lake summer (our reward for the previous two seasons.

Not so freaky.

Meanwhile… over wood fired pizza, pulled local pork, and candied pecan salad last night we made an iPhone tower and weirded each other out with true tales of Chittenden county.

Continue reading Fun with polygamy

The elusive orgasm

The public facing comments on my Go Fuck your husband post were quite positive. In private and semi private however some real conversations started. Some women responded that I gave them yet another thing to feel shitty about. Obviously that is not my intention. Hopefully this can turn around and it can be a source of comfort, connection, and climax. Lots of people had particular questions about sex. I’ll answer some of them here.

It seems that as I suspected a fair number of you do not in fact fuck your husbands on any kind of regular basis. If the “you really ought to” tone of the other post wasn’t convincing enough perhaps I can appeal to your selfish side.

If I told you that there was a 4 minute intervention that would get you a chef, cleaner, best friend, and masseuse you would do it. You would line up to do it. Now, I can’t promise all of those results in every case, but there is an excellent chance that you will come closer to all of the above, or whatever your own personal wish list is for your partner. We give each other what we want and need. At least when things are working the way they should in a relationship. Sex is most likely something your husband wants and needs. Give it to him. AND work on making it just as great for you.

  1. Get of your head. I agree that sex can be much more cerebral for women than for men. Our mindset gets us into the act, and out of it. Meditation can help. Practicing quieting the voices in your head allows you to focus on the sensation in your body. A little alcohol can help. Also just starting can help, instead of thinking. When you (possibly inevitably) find yourself in your head, send yourself back to your body. In college one of my friends explained that she could only orgasm when she locked her knees. It made her question how fun she was in bed when she pretty much had to stay in plank position. We worked out that she needed to lock her knees because she used her quad muscles to come (cum? come seems better.) So we gave her the assignment of switching muscle groups. It was the technique she used to get out of her head and into her body. This small change worked for her and allowed her to move around a lot more.
  2. Use the right tools. I know that feeling of frustration.”I just can’t climax.” I’m on Zoloft and it has both dimmed my libido and lengthened the amount of time it takes me to orgasm. So now we use a vibrator a lot more than we did early in our relationship. Neither of us feel badly about this. It is a tool that makes sex more fun so why judge it? Also helpful…the best massage oil/lube…and totally natural.
  3. Relax to Contract. Make sure you are not gritting your teeth, locking your jaw, or keeping your tongue tied to the roof of your mouth. The mouth and vagina are closely connected, and relaxing your mouth helps your vagina relax and contract.
  4. Know your anatomy. Yes, the g spot is real. It is inside, on the front wall of your vagina. Imagine it as the base of your clitoris. It is easier to simulate with digits or toys than a penis. If at first you don’t find it…try, try again.
  5. Just the right move. Many images can help women come. A genteel one is of blooming…imagining a bud turning into a flower. A delicious version is picturing your vagina as a mouth softly sucking the fruit over a peach pit (not the 90210 hang out.) Starting small, moving wide and finishing tightly.  A non-sexual possibility is imagining one of those balloon finger toys turning inside out. The inside is your vaginal canal and you push it down and out.

Remember, no one sex act tells the story of you and your partner. If it is quick, or dry, or uncoordinated, that just ticks that box on the huge huge list of sex experiences you will have together. As long as you go for it often enough that list will start to include simultaneous orgasm, multiple orgasms, tender, funny, all that.

Want more tips on orgasm? Try this book…

Did you like it? Did you climax? Did you feel closer to your husband? Did he cheerfully take part in any task or activity that he might have avoided or grumbled through?

 

And Steve, I love you, and I am SO FREAKING GLAD that your mother doesn’t read my blog.

Oh, and as for the most common question…I will let Steve text for himself:

Steve's text

 

Fuck your husband- How to Revitalize your sex life

Wedding cake figuresSome things should not be a secret. A great marriage deserves a great sex life. For that you need to fuck your husband. Remember when people didn’t talk about mental illness, and miscarriages? Wait…they still don’t. Well I do.

Remember when people didn’t talk about cancer? It was whispered, like the mere mention of the name could infect someone at the dinner table. Now the talking has led to action, and if not results at least support.

Thats how I feel about married people and sex.

What Friends Say

I mean, Redbook talks about it. Mega media talks about it. But friends…they don’t talk about it. Everyone is afraid they won’t measure up.

Talking with a friend about being an only child she got particularly interested. How was that? She asked. She might be the mom of an only child. She couldn’t imagine having another baby. She called herself one and done. Then, almost as an aside, “besides, that would mean I would have to have sex with my husband.” It was a throw away line. I imagined it was hyperbole. But worried that it wasn’t.

Be a Lazy Lover

Listen up. I am lazy, I do very very little that I don’t want to do. But I have sex with my husband. And you know what? I don’t always want to. Sometimes I really want to and that is best for both of us. But when I would rather just watch TV, or pick my toenails (I mean who can resist that sexiness) I have sex anyways. Lots of times it turns out really well. Much better than TV. Sometimes it is perfunctory. Sometimes it is really quite laughably bad. But it always makes us closer.

In my relationship I feel closer through talking, and Steve feels closer through physical contact.  Imagine if Steve just decided he didn’t want to talk. I mean, really for weeks on end, he wouldn’t talk. That would be unacceptable. But women feel they can go for weeks or months on end without being physical with their husbands. I know, it is your body, blah blah, but the “have and hold” part of the vows is probably getting directly at this point.

Fight (your) Nature

It is the selfish gene at work. As women leave childbearing age it is not in nature’s interest for us to have lots of sex. Men, that works well for the species. Go ahead, spread that seed, make more of me says the gene. By 40 many women are done perpetuating our species. Although I read a lot about women’s huge sex drive in their late thirties, that does not seem to be what my friends and I are experiencing.

This tacit mythology that women have had enough sex, and the birthday blow job plus the bi-monthly Saturday sex date will keep things running smoothly. I call bullshit.

Lose your Re-Virginity

I ask questions that most people don’t. There are lots of you that are virtually revirginized in your marriages. I know the reasons. I know how tired you are. I know how much work it can feel like. Here is a not secret secret. Things will be MUCH MUCH better in your marriage if you are having sex. And I don’t mean once a week. I mean 3 to 5 times a week. [Tweet theme=”basic-white”]If you are reading this and you don’t know exactly when you last had sex you need to fix that.[/Tweet] If you are reading this and you don’t know exactly when you last had sex you need to fix that.

Here are some tips to make it go better (feel free to unsubscribe)

Try This

  • He thinks you are beautiful, he loves your skin and wants to touch you everywhere. It doesn’t matter if you have gained weight, have stretch marks or varicose veins, he wants you and he wants all of you.
  • Get a vibrator. You should come too, and it is easier with some help.
  • Call it a quickie. If you label it that way the pressure is off to “perform” and that liberation often makes for a better time for both of you.
  • Just do it. Nike had it right.

Sorry mom. Sorry Steve. Hope this helps some of you get up to get down.

Here is an excellent book on the one hour orgasm. We all need to aim high.