I spend a lot of time on zillow.

A LOT.

In my most zillow-y I can spend 10 hours a day. When I am feeling good I get it down to 45 minutes or so, but I can’t ever just skip it (wait I think I just found something that I have done 100 days in a row.)

In any case I spend most of my time in cities I would live in, in a price range I can afford. I want some realism to my fantasy. Sometimes I go big, or south, or island-y, but mostly I am in pretty regular spots looking at numbingly regular houses.

About 1/100 houses interest me. Maybe fewer. I look for roof lines and finish materials. I look for indoor outdoor flow, and challenge myself to mentally map the house from the pictures. I can and do generally erase all details of the homeowner from my mind. I can look through these details, my interest is in the bones of the house.

Certain things break that fourth wall though, things like pet pigs, unattended babies on beds, or collections of ceramic scottie dogs. The names of their children in 385 pt font on bedroom walls, life sized crucifixes, and swings in bedrooms.

There have been lots of houses I have considered sharing. This is the first one that has really truly confused me. I need your help interpreting. Clearly the person (s) responsible for decor have a unique point of view. They seem to understand scale, and chintz, and how a perfectly placed doll head (or 20) can brighten up a dinner party. Please click through and view on a big screen because the devil is in the details people.

So let me know. Your favorite room. Where you think this house is located. Who in the hell you think lives here. What she/he/shehe/sheshe/hehe do for a living. Whether or not someone was paid for this interior.

Other than a disproportionate amount of roof the opening exterior shot does not prepare us for the wonders we are to behold.

Other than a disproportionate amount of roof the opening exterior shot does not prepare us for the wonders we are to behold.

The gorgeous light and high ceilings are only somewhat obscured by the collection of furniture and objets. Is that a fireplace? Could be.

The gorgeous light and high ceilings are only somewhat obscured by the collection of furniture and objets. Is that a fireplace? Could be.

Chintz, lace, wrought iron daybed, oversized oil. We are thinking grown up girly girl with a big budget a, few trips to Europe and a stack of Southern living magazines.

Chintz, lace, wrought iron daybed, oversized oil. We are thinking grown up girly girl with a big budget a, few trips to Europe and a stack of Southern living magazines.

We think we have her nailed. More pink. Bathed in light and creamy white. Good sense of scale. Not our style but a begrudging nod to just going for it.

We think we have her nailed. More pink. Bathed in light and creamy white. Good sense of scale. Not our style but a begrudging nod to just going for it.

Now I'm confused. A. There might just be a Y chromosome somewhere on the premises. And B. Do you see the sneaky case of dolls heads? Are those past dinner guests?

Now I’m confused. A. There might just be a Y chromosome somewhere on the premises. And B. Do you see the sneaky case of dolls heads? Are those past dinner guests?

In a million years I would not have guessed black appliances. Or rustic retro. This kitchen features both.

In a million years I would not have guessed black appliances. Or rustic retro. This kitchen features both.

Every frilly home needs a circus room. You need a place to keep it real between dinner with the dolls and the pretty lady tea party.

Every frilly home needs a circus room. You need a place to keep it real between dinner with the dolls and the pretty lady tea party.

Whew...midcentury global. The house was too rooted in Americana, I knew an influence was missing.

Whew…midcentury global. The house was too rooted in Americana, I knew an influence was missing.

Back in our wheelhouse. Perhaps the mannequin in the corner left her head in the dining room. Is there a body for each of those heads somewhere?

Back in our wheelhouse. Perhaps the mannequin in the corner left her head in the dining room. Is there a body for each of those heads somewhere?

Back Outside. Im pretty sure they could do a little more with this deck. I feel a little empty looking at it. Fringe, carrousel horse, tiki head, at the very least a doll or two...once you have set the bar high you have a lot to live up to.

Back Outside. Im pretty sure they could do a little more with this deck. I feel a little empty looking at it. Fringe, carrousel horse, tiki head, at the very least a doll or two…once you have set the bar high you have a lot to live up to.

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Anna Rosenblum Palmer is a freelance writer based in Denver, CO. She writes about sex, parenting, cat pee, bi-polar disorder and the NFL; all things inextricably intertwined with her mental health. In her free time she teaches her boys creative swear words, seeks the last missing puzzle piece and thinks deeply about how she is not exercising. Her writing can be found on Babble, Parent.co, Great Moments in Parenting, Ravishly, Good Men Project, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Playpen, Crazy Good Parent, and YourTango. She also does a fair amount of navel gazing on her own blog at annarosenblumpalmer.com.

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