Fun with polygamy

Screen Shot 2016-05-10 at 9.35.40 AMIf you are like me, you think normal is weird.

Shelburbia does its best to fold and stow its freak flag. Our cars range from sport utility to mini van. Our afterschool activities are soccer, ceramics, piano, french club, and organic farming.  All children must be able to identify and dissect an owl pellet by second grade. Volunteer opportunities for parents in the school include compost patrol, where you help ensure that food waste is not landfill bound.

We fight about street lights. Too many! Light pollution, wasted energy. Too few! Safety, safety. We have walking Wednesdays and biking Thursdays, and healthy snacks.

We rotate through crisp fall (apples), and crunchy snowed winter (skiing), muddy spring (justifying our massive mudrooms), and sparkling lake summer (our reward for the previous two seasons.

Not so freaky.

Meanwhile… over wood fired pizza, pulled local pork, and candied pecan salad last night we made an iPhone tower and weirded each other out with true tales of Chittenden county.

Domestic violence, sperm donation, off grid living, alternative schooling. We handled these quickly.

The deep dive was the adopotion of a 28 year old (whose parents are alive and local) by a well respected civil rights attorney and his 3rd wife. Who adopts a 28 year old? What 28 year old wants to be adopted? Is this legalized polygamy?  How many bedrooms do they have? Do you even need to be older than the person you are adopting? Could I adopt a soldier to get USAA insurance?

Obviously we needed to talk more about polygamy. Short of big love this is something no one at the table has personally experienced. A few came out for it. My husband was against. Not, as you might assume, to reassure me, but rather as a testimony to how difficult I am to manage. Two wives? No fucking thank you.

He’d rather have a second husband than a second wife.

Over to the brown butter apple raspberry tart and macaroons. Dessert was too good to think much about marriage plots. And quickly back to reality.

Time to deal with puking kids and spilled raw milk. Back to Shelburbia. Have to save polygamy for another day.

Pick a phrase that best matches your feelings:

a. Totally satisfied with my spouse would never need anyone else.

b. Can imagine the plusses and minuses of second someone.

c. Sounds great, my happiness would be multiplied

d. I get it, but the legal implications and judgement of my neighbors make it not worth it.

e. The one I have is too much to handle, less life partners are better.

f. That ‘e’ person doesn’t know anything, I’m single and would love to have just one other person to deal with the minutae of life.

g. That ‘f’ person has it all wrong, I’m single and it is not an accident. My way is the highway.

More fun, the best thing about polygamy is:

1. Twice the sex

2. Half the sex.

3. Twice the help around the house.

4. Always someone to roll your eyes with.

5. I can borrow her clothes.

6. I can borrow his clothes.

7. Brings a little diversity to Shelburbia.

Published by

Anna Palmer

Anna Rosenblum Palmer is a freelance writer based in Denver, CO. She writes about sex, parenting, cat pee, bi-polar disorder and the NFL; all things inextricably intertwined with her mental health. In her free time she teaches her boys creative swear words, seeks the last missing puzzle piece and thinks deeply about how she is not exercising. Her writing can be found on Babble, Parent.co, Great Moments in Parenting, Ravishly, Good Men Project, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Playpen, Crazy Good Parent, and YourTango. She also does a fair amount of navel gazing on her own blog at annarosenblumpalmer.com.

7 thoughts on “Fun with polygamy”

  1. I’d take a second wife, but the mister won’t go for it. Let’s be honest it would be for
    Me and not him. Like father like daughter?

  2. I can go with b) but part two would have to be 9 (1. twice the sex, plus 8. likes activities my current partner doesn’t).

  3. Yes definitely P is for me only if it involves your husband who I know is making pulled pork, wood fired pizza and a candied pecan salad for supper!

    1. Although Steve is an EXCELLENT cook that was a potluck/local eatery kind of deal…I bet he could chef something up for you, you would be a much much lower maintenance wife than me.

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