Playing with myself.

If you know me in real life you might want to skip this one.

Sunday Oliver teased me about my low level of playfulness. So I thought about it and determined that of my playfulness is totally internal. It might be an only child thing. I may not be all minecraft and monopoly, but there is tons of fun in here, in (what used to be) private. For your disgust and enjoyment I present to you…The games I play.

  1. Constellation acne. Using my thing as either planet or sun (depends on the day) I twist myself around, look in the mirror, and imagine orion, those bears, and weird crab like creatures coming to life from the bumps on my back.
  2. Go go gadget arm. Perhaps this is really laziness but I prefer to consider it keeping possibilities alive. Whatever the background at least once a week I steady myself and try to either move objects towards me with my mind, or extend my arm gadget style to reach them. I’m not crazy, I wait until I am alone, because obviously it will not work with witnesses.
  3. Tampon timing. I love to imagine that my period will end when my tampons run out. I try never to have a full stock because who wants to bleed for 2 weeks in a row. Instead I play a little game when the flow is slow and try to stretch out my tampons. When I am ready for my period to be over I just change them more quickly so I run out of tampons. Then I wait for the magic to begin. Or end as you like it. How does it work? Well…that really depends on how attached you are to whatever pants you are wearing.
  4. Cleaning product tete a tete. I like to wait until there are two or three pee stains in close proximity.  Then I select various all natural products. Spray. Repeat. Record the results. When I am particularly motivated I begin with a light pencil mark at the stain edge. I also rate it 1-10 on stink. Then I re-examine. It  is science and cleaning in one. PS. Pee stains can not be eliminated by anything that is good for the world. Don’t even comment about bak out or enzymes. They are utter bullshit. Science knows.
  5. Fake Jake. Named after my first fat grey cat that I lost in the divorce, Fake Jake is a fast paced cat hair collection game. Using only my socked feet, I gather the pet hair and determine if the final assemblage is or is not as large as a 22 lb pet. Simon will do in a pinch.
  6. Blog reader geography. I use my clicky stats to check out new locales of blog readers. Then I select one super reader (8 minutes or more on site (I made up the super reader designation, but I am happy to send out shelburbia capes if you want them)) and run a zillow search on their neighborhood. If they are international I look at their weather and compare Shelbunre sunny days (annual average of 65) with theirs. Guess what. Almost every country that has a reader of this blog has more sun than me. This has a winning combo  of narcissism (look who loves me), with education (geography) with woe is me-ism (look how little sun we have, Lets move to argentina/ghana/new zealand.)
  7. Githegibuthageruthegish. In my effort to stay fluent I frequently translate things I am reading into gibberish.  I’m as good as any third grader. Duthgo yuthago wuthagant tuthago chuthagaluthaguluthegence muthage? I didn’t think so.
  8. “No look” drawing. This one is sort of a cheat, because my favorite subjects are people. So I cant really be alone to do this. If I don’t share the portraits, and I pretty much never do, this can count as solitary entertainment.

    Angela. No Look drawing game
    Angela. No Look drawing game
  9. Look I can breathe. About 20 times a day I will wonder if I am breathing. And when I check I am not. You might think that it is the not breathing that makes me think about breathing, and you are probably right, but I consider this to be an excellent game, because of my near 100% win rate. NO! I was not breathing. I was RIGHT! And now I am breathing. Also a win.
  10. Peeling. My absolute favorite is elmer’s glue. I probably have close to my 10,000 hours of this since I began in pre-school. Hi Brian! Acrylic paint is good. Those protective stickers on microwave fronts are fun. In a pinch I will peel beer bottle labels, which may or may not be why I nurse my beer, allowing it to sweat and loosen the label. (not-I nurse my beer because I don’t like beer, sorry Steve.)

I realize this could be about a 100 item list. I will stop here so as to not steal your thunder. Writing this up makes me understand why I cant have a job. There is simply no time. I am very busy playing with myself.

Published by

Anna Palmer

Anna Rosenblum Palmer is a freelance writer based in Denver, CO. She writes about sex, parenting, cat pee, bi-polar disorder and the NFL; all things inextricably intertwined with her mental health. In her free time she teaches her boys creative swear words, seeks the last missing puzzle piece and thinks deeply about how she is not exercising. Her writing can be found on Babble, Parent.co, Great Moments in Parenting, Ravishly, Good Men Project, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Playpen, Crazy Good Parent, and YourTango. She also does a fair amount of navel gazing on her own blog at annarosenblumpalmer.com.

11 thoughts on “Playing with myself.”

  1. Haha oh my lord. #3 actually makes a lot of sense to me and I experience a similar sort of magic. Also– I haven’t tried to move anything with my mind in ages, but I used to really think I could make this work. Might have to put this back on my radar.

  2. I am dying!!! 1) I pick at EVERY lump, bump and mark on my body. One of my husband’s best qualities is that he lets me pick at stuff on him too! Ecstasy! And P.S. Tom Hanks tries to slice his lump open in A Hologram for the King.2) I used to do no-look drawing when I taught middle school. I would draw every kid’s portrait on the board and they would howl–so would I when I opened my eyes. Then they would no-look draw me. It was such a great stress-reliever for all of us.3) I don’t wonder if I’m breathing, but I can’t sleep with my hands resting on my chest because I’m afraid I will feel my heart stop beating! Should we look for a 2-for-1 therapy special? 😉

    1. Wow. That is pretty similar. The no look drawing is really fun. And a good antidote for the breathing/heart beating issue. We could pay our shrink in no look portraits.

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