He doesn’t do drawings. In fact during the day he doesn’t do much of anything at all. All rules of physics say that at some point he moves from nap spot to nap spot but I don’t see it happen. He is in the grey chair, no the green chair, on the pillow on the floor, back to the grey chair, now he is between our pillows.

During these “naps” he lets us know he is still alive (despite the odds) by snoring, snorting and starting with the sound level of a 70 year old football fan in his lounger. Which he is. Except the football fan part.

He is the remaining half of Simon and Schuster, the brother cats I got after my divorce. Schuster was the lover, and beloved. He ate cereal one o at a time out of the box, he survived being locked in the basement for 5 days, and died last year of complications from brain cancer that came in the form of a 22 bullet. No, it wasn’t cat euthanasia…it was some Shelburbanite (I guess there IS diversity in Shelburne) who either knew he/she was shooting a cat. Or didn’t. Im not sure which option is worse, but they are both bad. Post attempted homicide and limb amputation his body just couldn’t beat back the cancer. What a crappy crappy last month. I wish we could go back in time and put him down before that whole episode…but my time machine is on the fritz.

So we have Simon. The obese, heartmurmery, dandruffy, crumpled ear-y cat who sports odd fatty deposits that are NOT tumors, just to make even petting him an unappealing exercise.

So he is not much to look at, touch, or listen to. What else?

As lazy as he is during the day he seems to be up and at em at night.

He to do list for last night.

  • Knock water off bedside table, spill entire pint, wake human
  • Bat at sleeping human’s arm, breaking the skin with my long nails, requesting petting
  • Make strange mewl/yap sound for 20 more minutes. Move slowly throughout the upstairs to sound hs maximal disorienting effect to sleeping human.
  • Circle round like a dog, creating space for my nap, next to human’s head, position my ass in my human’s face. Snore loudly.
  • Knock water off bedside table, spill entire pint, wake human, the sequel

He completed 100% of his list.

The worst part isn’t even the worst part. He also wets the bed. And before you worry…I have had every test done by the vet, and that is not for a medical reason. That is because he is a fat lazy asshole.

Do you have a cat worse than that?

Someone loves him.

 

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Anna Rosenblum Palmer is a freelance writer based in Denver, CO. She writes about sex, parenting, cat pee, bi-polar disorder and the NFL; all things inextricably intertwined with her mental health. In her free time she teaches her boys creative swear words, seeks the last missing puzzle piece and thinks deeply about how she is not exercising. Her writing can be found on Babble, Parent.co, Great Moments in Parenting, Ravishly, Good Men Project, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Playpen, Crazy Good Parent, and YourTango. She also does a fair amount of navel gazing on her own blog at annarosenblumpalmer.com.

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