Wedding cake figuresSome things should not be a secret. A great marriage deserves a great sex life. For that you need to fuck your husband. Remember when people didn’t talk about mental illness, and miscarriages? Wait…they still don’t. Well I do.

Remember when people didn’t talk about cancer? It was whispered, like the mere mention of the name could infect someone at the dinner table. Now the talking has led to action, and if not results at least support.

Thats how I feel about married people and sex.

What Friends Say

I mean, Redbook talks about it. Mega media talks about it. But friends…they don’t talk about it. Everyone is afraid they won’t measure up.

Talking with a friend about being an only child she got particularly interested. How was that? She asked. She might be the mom of an only child. She couldn’t imagine having another baby. She called herself one and done. Then, almost as an aside, “besides, that would mean I would have to have sex with my husband.” It was a throw away line. I imagined it was hyperbole. But worried that it wasn’t.

Be a Lazy Lover

Listen up. I am lazy, I do very very little that I don’t want to do. But I have sex with my husband. And you know what? I don’t always want to. Sometimes I really want to and that is best for both of us. But when I would rather just watch TV, or pick my toenails (I mean who can resist that sexiness) I have sex anyways. Lots of times it turns out really well. Much better than TV. Sometimes it is perfunctory. Sometimes it is really quite laughably bad. But it always makes us closer.

In my relationship I feel closer through talking, and Steve feels closer through physical contact.  Imagine if Steve just decided he didn’t want to talk. I mean, really for weeks on end, he wouldn’t talk. That would be unacceptable. But women feel they can go for weeks or months on end without being physical with their husbands. I know, it is your body, blah blah, but the “have and hold” part of the vows is probably getting directly at this point.

Fight (your) Nature

It is the selfish gene at work. As women leave childbearing age it is not in nature’s interest for us to have lots of sex. Men, that works well for the species. Go ahead, spread that seed, make more of me says the gene. By 40 many women are done perpetuating our species. Although I read a lot about women’s huge sex drive in their late thirties, that does not seem to be what my friends and I are experiencing.

This tacit mythology that women have had enough sex, and the birthday blow job plus the bi-monthly Saturday sex date will keep things running smoothly. I call bullshit.

Lose your Re-Virginity

I ask questions that most people don’t. There are lots of you that are virtually revirginized in your marriages. I know the reasons. I know how tired you are. I know how much work it can feel like. Here is a not secret secret. Things will be MUCH MUCH better in your marriage if you are having sex. And I don’t mean once a week. I mean 3 to 5 times a week.

 If you are reading this and you don’t know exactly when you last had sex you need to fix that.

Here are some tips to make it go better (feel free to unsubscribe)

Try This

  • He thinks you are beautiful, he loves your skin and wants to touch you everywhere. It doesn’t matter if you have gained weight, have stretch marks or varicose veins, he wants you and he wants all of you.
  • Get a vibrator. You should come too, and it is easier with some help.
  • Call it a quickie. If you label it that way the pressure is off to “perform” and that liberation often makes for a better time for both of you.
  • Just do it. Nike had it right.

Sorry mom. Sorry Steve. Hope this helps some of you get up to get down.

Here is an excellent book on the one hour orgasm. We all need to aim high.

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Anna Rosenblum Palmer is a freelance writer based in Denver, CO. She writes about sex, parenting, cat pee, bi-polar disorder and the NFL; all things inextricably intertwined with her mental health. In her free time she teaches her boys creative swear words, seeks the last missing puzzle piece and thinks deeply about how she is not exercising. Her writing can be found on Babble, Parent.co, Great Moments in Parenting, Ravishly, Good Men Project, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Playpen, Crazy Good Parent, and YourTango. She also does a fair amount of navel gazing on her own blog at annarosenblumpalmer.com.

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