June 1, 2017

Why you should (n’t) avoid your neighbors

I wasn't exactly hiding in the bedroom, but I was pretty much hiding in the bedroom. Our new video doorbell allows me to screen visitors the way I have screened phone calls since the advent of caller ID 7,000 years ago. It is good. I was upstairs when I heard the chime calling out melodically from the dining room, my phone and Oliver's phone at once. I accepted the ring on my phone to spy. Oliver headed right to the door to be neighborly. I heard him ask. "Are your parents home?" Oliver Read more [...]
May 24, 2017

A revelatory “conversation” with the dentist about pole dancing

I don't know what I expected from a dentist that offers Botox. I am reclined in her chair preparing for my filling. The dentist is preparing for my filling and I am listening. She is cheerful as she chatters about my upper jaw (maxilla, I learned, like the little known uncle of the scary ape). "It is like swiss cheese" she tells me. "I don't really need to aim this thing at all, wherever I put it the numbing agent will just spread everywhere." Here she waves the syringe that is at least 3 feet Read more [...]
May 16, 2017

Hand in hand

I am backing slowly down the steep incline of our driveway. It is 8:10 and I am a little later than usual...but just in time for the elementary kids to swarm towards the school, bumper height obstacles from my perch at the peak of our driveway. The car is beeping in protest but a careful check confirms it is just our poorly engineered concrete that is causing concern. I pause at the point of full reverse feeling thankful that no children died at my hand this morning and allow my eyes to move through Read more [...]
May 9, 2017

How to tell if your child’s injury is real or imagined

Ten is a funny age. He still climbs into boxes and up trees making himself both small and tall- which of course he is. Right now he is cross legged in the laundry basket that he dragged down from the bedroom. He wants it to be a boat but instead settles on calling it a seat. I can tell by the way that he is holding the edges and rocking gently that in fact he is a boat on the water just as he was when he was three. He chattering about the clothes as I fold them. That is our division of labor. Read more [...]
May 5, 2017

The best thing I have ever done with 40 dollars

Our family lives amply. We have a summer house, tennis lessons, and someone to scrub our toilet every other week. Or more specifically our four toilets because why would we ever want to wait to pee. We can pay for braces times 4 because now kids get braces twice. We grumble, we track, we wish it weren't so, but we still have the money to buy organic berries to get their seeds stuck in those expensive metal brackets. I have spent 40 dollars treating a friend to sushi lunch, getting a pedicure, and Read more [...]
May 1, 2017

The end of the world, 13 year old friendship

I was looking down the long hallway when something hit me in the head. The brown paper bag bounced to the floor and I bent down to pick it up careful to keep my skirt pulled down and my legs together. Behind me my friends were laughing. I gave them a confused smile and unrolled the top of the brown paper bag. It was filled with scraps of paper. This was middle school. Friendship was the only way to survive. I walked to social studies, my only classroom without windows. My desk was in Read more [...]
April 24, 2017

Eating for the Ages. More years = more pounds

JEW-ISH. ON EATING AS A CULINARY JEW In a town that had more jews than gentiles levels of Judaism were carefully parsed. Would you skip school only for high holy days or for all holidays? Do you go to Sunday school or Hebrew school? Would your Bat Mitvah be more about the torah or the hora? I termed myself a culinary jew. Very little temple, missed school as a nod to religion not to practice religion. But I was all in on the eating. There were the delicious things like the latkas and matzoh Read more [...]
April 10, 2017

TB12 diet. Eat like a goat.

TB12 ramen bowl
I woke up this morning thinking about Tom Brady. Not in THAT way. I was thinking about the TB12 diet for which I forked out $78 dollars to fork up plants for 3 nights. The diet was doomed from the start. The box arrived marked perishable and somehow was left at the very edge of our property amidst the traffic of elementary schoolers. A kind neighbor friend left her car idling to bring the box all the way to our door and was attacked by the school parking people. The normal parent patrol Read more [...]
March 30, 2017

Twelve years of this boy.

2005. I might not have started with this one if you hadn't (gleefully) pronounced that you have vomited more than anyone else in the family. Sadly (or happily depending on your attitude which is almost always good) this is true. You were born with reflux. It was so ridiculous that I lay awake at night designing a new kind of baby sleeper which kept you strapped in and upright. Then we discovered that the swing did the trick and for several months you slept in a swing. Granny worried we would have Read more [...]
March 22, 2017

Houston there is no problem- how to be ground control AND the astronaut

Beneath the noise of the coffee shop David Bowie sings. He thinks his spaceship knows which way to go. As I stand in line for my English Breakfast tea the barista admits that he front loads the playlist with his own choices and I see him in silent song daring Major Tom to leave the capsule.  I think about the amount of faith that is required for bravery. Major Tom needs to step outside his tin can to see the difference in the stars. He needs to trust ground control, himself and the entire Read more [...]
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