January 23, 2018

Parenting Fails

I'm sitting at the counter eating my impossibly small piece of gluten free toast. In front of me is my journal bulging with papers that have nothing to do with writing, and my planner, filled with orthodontist appointments and PTSA meetings. I am not particularly upbeat. I take a nibble of toast, a sip of water filled with vitamin C (I will NOT get Steve's cold), and a gulp of tea. I am trying to make things come out evenly like Frances did in my favorite children's book Bread and Jam for Frances. Read more [...]
January 8, 2018

Everything and Nothing 12 hours of depressive awareness

It is 4:32 and I am lying awake, tender like a bruise. At the meditation/writing retreat I sat on my computer and broke its casing. It lost the small screws that held its sleek aluminum back on and there is a small crack that is open to its insides. It is hard to see but I know it is there. Leo brought my laptop with him on our vacation and after a bit of using it it's fan wouldn't shut off and it became hot, almost scorching to the touch. We unplugged it and it cooled off. But the battery Read more [...]
December 18, 2017

The Buddha’s nipple

I have moved through the high mountain desert at a snail’s pace. Just this step I tell myself as my conditioning and the altitude argue that I should turn around. It is a short walk from where I am staying at the Shambhala Mountain Center for the retreat and still it is a long journey. We are only in our second day and I have already learned a few important lessons. The first is that we can begin as many times as we need to. The second is that trying to write everything is probably trying to please Read more [...]
December 7, 2017

Holiday season flame out

It is the time of year that my inbox is full of emails titled "tax receipts." There is nothing that brings on holiday cheer more than sifting through dusty boxes of paperwork. I try to set aside the looming taxes and focus on festivities. I am not super successful. In the weeks leading up to the holiday season, I flip through aspirational magazines peering at magnificent mantles and imagine dry needles in my Turkish rug. Instead of immersing myself in the gorgeous garland, I picture myself on Read more [...]
November 29, 2017

I must have done something terribly wrong.

This year we decided not to have Thanksgiving with family. Although our relatives forgave us the gathering gods did not. After a lovely time on Anna Maria Island we headed to Universal and Harry Potter World on turkey day. Leo celebrated appropriately with a giant turkey leg but the rest of us clearly did not give the holiday its proper due because things quickly went downhill from there. In an effort to sound like less of an asshole I will just say that Harry Potter world and the Palmers are Read more [...]
November 1, 2017

Hate local

Vegas, Manhattan, Paris, almost every part of the world that is not filled with white people. Gay people, Jews, women, Muslims. Hatred is everywhere.  Including inside most of us.  The primary solution being preached against hate crimes and acts of terror is Love. A life of love is what most of us aspire to...but it is not realistic for many of us. It is like advocating abstinence for teen pregnancy. Teens will have sex as surely as we will struggle with hatred.   Let’s keep trying Read more [...]
October 31, 2017

Is the such a thing as a Halloween grinch?

He is standing in front of me in his cardboard box, arms pinned to his sides. I am picking bits of duct (duck?) tape residue off of my fingers and wondering if my bathrobe will be able to be de-wizarded. "Does everyone like Halloween?" He asks me. I pause for just a bit too long. "Do YOU like Halloween Mama?" Images flash before me. Trick or Treating with just my parents. Getting egged in Seventh Grade after being invited to walk the neighborhood with the cool kids. Feeling Read more [...]
October 11, 2017

Boots and boobs

It is that point in the party where everyone is leaning in a little too closely and speaking a little too loudly. We have stopped talking about middle school and started talking about boobs. "Mine are bigger." She tells me. I don't really need to answer. First of all MINE are bigger but second of all I don't really need to have this conversation. Earlier in the evening the two of us were sitting together by the fire pit strategizing about our party plan. We both anticipating an early night. Read more [...]
September 22, 2017

Moving on from Miscarriage

At book club last night a friend told the story of calling her husband. "Bring home milk." She told him. "And cornichons." "What...are you pregnant?" he asked. We all responded with a hearty laugh. We are old enough now so that is barely a physical option. Most of us have made SURE it is not an option. It sent me back though, to the time when I thought it was a choice. When I really wanted a third kid. When I couldn't have one. — The tiny woman stands in front of me beaming. She Read more [...]
September 18, 2017

One tiny tip for tackling mental illness

There is something about starting your day (particularly your Monday) fumbling with a plastic pill bottle. Or four. One morning I walked into the bathroom and looked at the pill bottles lined up like soldiers going to war. Instead of being on my side, battling mental illness and hormonal imbalance the army seemed to be working against me. With each turn of the cap I was taunted by miserable messages. Healthy people don't need pills. You are not healthy. It is your fault you are not Read more [...]
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