The Holocaust Museum reportedly posted a sign telling visitors to stop catching Pokemon there. If you don’t understand how ridiculous this is you are either too young or too old to be reading this blog. As a 40 something jew I am the perfect demographic for, well, my own life. Which is an uplifting thought. Not uplifting? Catching imaginary cartoon beasts in a building designed to remind us of the worst of humanity, and to kindle the flames of hope that we can persevere through great atrocity. That said I have a list of much much smaller atrocities that I think we need to clear up. Rules that should be so integrated as to never need a reminder. And yet I remind you.
- If you are merging because of a lane closure just zipper in. One from the left, then one from the right, then the left, then the right. If you accelerate past a few patient cars to merge more quickly it doesn’t make you earlier…it makes you an asshole. It will be quicker for everyone if you just zipper in. Just like you zipper your fly. Most of the time.
- When you get cut off on a phone call the person who initiated the call should call back. The only thing more annoying than static and robotic partial voices is the confusion of my mother as she hangs up and redials for the 3rd time trying to reach me and only getting my voice mail. “But we were just talking, why did it go to voice mail?” Because I was calling YOUY mom. As efficient etiquette ought to require.
- When you are out buying a drink in the morning to pick you up or in the evening to bring you back down the minimum tip is a dollar. 18 cents is not a tip it is an insult. A pull of the draught is not hard work, but cleaning up vomit and listening to your drunken uncle Al is…and that coffee takes many hours of barista training. Plus dealing with hungover uncle Carl.If you don’t want to tip a dollar make your own damn fancy coffee drink.
- Stop modifying unique. Nothing is very unique or the most unique. Unique is binary. Either something is one of a kind or not.
- Lululemon yoga pants should be called yoga pantyhose. I know that word is totally out, but so are your ass cheeks. Sure I love to look at butts. Really I do, but unless you are coming directly to or from the studio just get one of those little ass skirt cover ups. I own about 6 bottoms, but when I pick the ones to have lunch in they are not skin tight. This is the only fashion advice I feel capable of giving. So treasure it. And go get some jeans.
- Notorious is bad. Bad bad bad. Not purely famous, except B.I.G. who was both. Its true some people seek notoriety but it is not a synonym for celebrity. To be notorious you have to be well known for a crime or something criminal-like. Jack the Ripper, notorious. Jack and the beanstalk- famous. And fictional but now we are just splitting hairs.
- Lateness should be a factor of the length of time of togetherness. Anything that leads to a more than a 10% delay of start time should be considered socially unacceptable. Dead grandma, or car accidents aside it does not make you on time to send a text. If we are having a 30 minute coffee you have a 3 minute grace period. An hour lunch offers you 6 minutes to park. Two hours gives you a healthy buffer of 12 minutes to cover up your damn lululemon pants. I know some people (many?) are more tolerant than me about being late. But there was that one time, ahem, that held a counter for 14 people for brunch for one hour and 15 minutes. I kept encouraging the staff to give it away but for some unknown reason they didn’t. The crowd gathered behind and I wear the trauma like a scar. Holding tables is terrible.
- When you start a quick email with “just a quick email…” you reveal yourself as a bad editor or a total hypocrite. Already the email is not as quick as it could have been. Ditto for “just a note to say…” Guess what the note will do even if you don’t start it that way…it will say whatever the fuck you want it to say. You are the author of the note.
- Only hold tables if more than half of your party is present. I know lots of restaurants regulate this (see number 7, or don’t because it is too upsetting). For those that don’t we should have a little sensitivity to the people who are hungry behind us. If you keep giving up tables maybe you will stop going out with your late friends. That’s a win-win. Quick tip…if some of your most beloved friends run late invite them over for a drink before dinner. Then you all depart together, sometimes even within the same hour you imagined.
- Have a water between EVERY beverage. Even water. Then you are less likely to need to be scraped off the booth and piled into an Uber. Plus you won’t be (as) hung over when you head to the coffee shop. This is increase your chances of tipping and seeming less like Uncle Al. But when you pee, and you will pee please follow the guideline in number 10.
- Always lift the seat. This time I am not talking to the dudes. You do it (for the most part.) I am checking in with the ladies. If you are in public and hovering above the toilet (which I assume most of us do) just lift the seat. This can be done with your foot if you have germ issues and enough yoga practice. See then the spray doesn’t cover the seat for those people that (for some unknown reason) choose to sit down. Lift it and then lower it. Then no one has to deal with the second worst thing that can happen in a public rest room.
- The worst thing that can happen in a public rest room is the walk in. It is often accompanied by the knock in. Here is how it should work. You knock. Then you WAIT before you try the knob. Just a few seconds of patience helps avoid that horrible eye contact that happens when one person is squatting above the toilet with lululemon pantyhose around her ankles. That’s bad for both of you. We need some sort of knock then lock then lift then levitate jingle.
- This one is a little specific but super important. If you are an Uber driver don’t make jokes about recording the sex acts that happen in the back of your car. It might creep out your current moderately well behaved fare and lead to a low rating, or a police report.
- Finally, don’t catch Pokemon at the Holocaust Museum.
Just a quick request leave your own rants and ideas below. I am always happy to integrate very unique etiquette into my ever growing repertoire. I’ll read them right when I am back from peeing on the bathroom seat with an unlocked door. I’m notorious for that.