There are lots of couples that have rocking sex lives. This article is written for the rest of you…the ones where re-virginization is just around the corner and you and your partner have become roommates rather than playmates.
Whatever your reason for slowing your sex life to a snails pace I want to encourage less rationalizing and more doing…it.
10. Birth control– Yes, abstinence is the best birth control. But if you are married, and not a practicing catholic then for fucks sake figure out an alternative method. We’ve used it all, and have ended with a vasectomy IUDs, condoms, timing, the pill. A longer term method seems best, and if you are having regular sex you can pretty much assure yourself of the best protection from STIs, but a condom will work in a pinch. No pun intended. What, he doesn’t like condoms? You know what else he doesn’t like? Blue balls. Get some coconut oil and go for it. It might even last more than four minutes.
9. Kids are around all the time. Are they in the shower? What about during school hours? How about a lunch date at home, or meet each other at work and channel your inner teenager and do it in the car. Bring the kids baby wipes for quickie clean up. If they are too young for school they are not too young for you to have sex while they are awake in the house. Turn on the tv babysitter and use your door lock. What about early mornings? Are they in your bedroom at 5:30 am? Set the alarm and surprise him. I bet he makes the coffee. Wait…they really are in your bedroom at 5:30 am? Sneak into the guest room.
8. He doesn’t turn you on. Obviously he doesn’t turn you on all the time, but he must have once or twice or number 9 wouldn’t be a problem. Replay old memories, and look out for new moments. I despise golf, but this summer I rode along with friends and Steve had the golf cart ahead of us. He was the passenger. The driver had a mishit (ha ha a mishit is full of shit) and walked the fairway. With one arm dangling out the side Steve stayed in the passenger seat and fluidly drove the cart to the next spot. That totally unexpected moment of mastery, even of something as lame as driving a golf cart, made him look so appealing to me. Good fodder for times when he seems like a dork.
Have you been focusing on the daily grind so long that you can’t remember these moments? Think outside your house. Does anyone turn you on? Imagine that person. Fantasy is fine if it gets you fucking. (Celebrities are a safe start) Once you have paired your loving spouse with Bradley Coopers enough times he will BE your Bradly Cooper. If no one turns you on you should talk to your doctor, run some tests. In the meantime practice NOT bad mouthing your husband in public. Serious conversations with close friends are allowed, as is mockery if it doesn’t undermine your own feelings towards each other. I’ll make fun of Steve for his rule following nature. Two days ago he drove up to the parking lot entrance and fumbled for our hotel room key in the dark when the directly adjacent exit had its gate arm straight in the air in a welcoming fashion. This is funny, and recounting it doesn’t make him less attractive to me. I make this point about not tearing down your spouse not because of loyalty or what the people you are talking to will think, but what it will make you think. If you spend time picking out his flaws, and obviously he has them, at the expense of his competencies that is what you will focus on. It will not help him become more attractive. Sometimes there is a hidden bonus in your over attention to his bright spots. I started talking about what a great cook Steve was before he was better than a good cook. He loved it, and I could tell he identified with it. I promise this was not strategic but just good luck, now he really is a great cook, one who with pride does 98% of our cooking. How’s that for fuckworthy?
Here is the bottom line on your attraction level to your husband. He is your husband. That makes him fuckworthy. If it helps to get rid of the cargo pants go for it, I’m pretty sure he would trade them for a few blowjobs, but the issue isn’t the cargo pants. It’s in your head. Think about the good stuff.
7. The sex just isn’t that great. That’s on you. Everything takes practice and communication. Make sure you have good lube (coconut oil) some good toys, some good reading, and the karma sutra app. Look around your house, how are the counter heights? Yoga balls? Foam rollers? Use props if they help. Turn your clue game into a sex game. He is Mr. White and Ms. Scarlet costumes optional. Professor Plum, in the bathroom, with the anal beads. Put on music. Pace yourself to the music. You get on top. Then if it sucks you know exactly who is at fault. It won’t be great all the time. When it is it is. That makes the other times worth it.
6.TV is better. Well, duh. When you are exhausted and not turned on tv is much more comforting than getting naked. But no matter how much you love the folks on Nashville, none of them are going to take you to dinner, or build a fire in the backyard. So make it a game. Give him until the first commercial break. Rip each other’s clothes off and get it going. Then maybe he will even watch with you.
5. You don’t want to be touched. This can mean so many things. Clingy kids where your body is not your own, lack of self love, aches and pains. At its extreme you need help outside of the bedroom(PsyD kinda help) but for most of us you can conquer this with a little play time. Try a desensitization exercise. Drink some wine, shut off the lights, lie down, and explore each other. Here’s the thing. No sex. As much touching as you want but no sex. If his touch is too light and tickly tell him, if there re one or two spots that take you out of your body and back into your head, tell him. Too hard? Tell him. Model what you like on his body. Send yourself to your finger tips. Quiet your mind. 10 minutes each. Some reading can be good too. 50 Shades of grey was an international best seller for a reason. Lots and lots of women loved it. I got lucky when I was in high school and had to spend time waiting for a bus in a lesbian book shop. I wish I had been brave enough to buy this book but it was this huge heavy thing about your vagina. It taught me how to have an orgasm with remarkably little manual stimulation. If I could link to it here I would. Maybe google orgasms? I digress, he loves skin. There is not a single part of my body that I love as much as my husband does. I am pretty sure this is not a case of me having found a unicorn. Men love skin. Your husband loves yours. You might be thinking about puckering, he is thinking about curves. Let him grab them. If the gentle desensitization game isn’t for you try a rough version, we live in Vermont, we need to use those ties for something. Now you have to submit to his touch. Does that help? It might. We are all different. Except our husbands who are all the same because they want to be having sex.
4. Withholding sex is the one part of your life that makes you feel powerful. This is an unspoken reason that keeps many of us sexless. Guess what? Having sex is what actually gives you power. Not only do you run a little hotter in your own life, sense of self, and creativity, but MOST important it allows you to give your husband what he needs. Not wants. Needs. Across the animal kingdom altruism is rare but powerful, and if you do it enough it might just turn into symbiosis.
3. Laundry, dishes, other bullshit. Having a tidy home is comforting. It may feel extremely important to you. Disorder may keep you from being able to imagine anything recreational. A. Sex is not recreational. It is more important to an orderly household than any amount of clean coffee mugs. B. You will have HELP with that orderly home after a little Saturday morning togetherness
2. It makes a huge mess.
1. Too tired. Most of us are tired. Few of us get the sleep we need even if we don’t have small kids. The more exhausted we are the shorter the sex will be. So just shut up and do it. Seriously, if you are both wiped out it will take 5 minutes and be pretty basic. Acrobatics are not required, removing your shirt is not required, having an orgasm is not required (although it is highly recommended) Keeping your marriage a marriage and not an exercise in coparenting is required. Take some vitamin b6. There is a chance it will help.
If you are too lazy to click the link I will remind you…sex in a marriage should not be optional or conditional. It is as important as speaking. It is likely the primary way that your husband feels connected to you. If he stopped talking to you for months would that fly? I mean he is just too distracted with work, and kids, and cooking to manage to have a conversation. The two of you would be in therapy so fast his silent head would be spinning. But across the suburbs we seem to have accepted that women dish out sex every other Saturday. And it is served kind of cold. Heat things up people.