Tag / depression

January 8, 2018

Everything and Nothing 12 hours of depressive awareness

It is 4:32 and I am lying awake, tender like a bruise. At the meditation/writing retreat I sat on my computer and broke its casing. It lost the small screws that held its sleek aluminum back on and there is a small crack that is open to its insides. It is hard to see but I know it is there. Leo brought my laptop with him on our vacation and after a bit of using it it’s fan wouldn’t shut off and it became hot, almost scorching to the touch. We unplugged it and it cooled off. But the battery Read more […]

Read More
March 16, 2016

What a long strange trip it’s been.

There is a fair chance that not a single one of you will weave through the trip I have below. It is my trip. But it is also my blog. There are times when I think I am writing about something personal and it seems to resonate with you…so I invite you to join me in the journey I took between 4pm and 2am yesterday/today. At 4pm I watched Tim Urban’s TED talk. For those of you who don’t know or read the blog Wait But Why I offer you the gift insight, humor, and research in the form of that Read more […]

Read More
March 14, 2016

Drowning from the inside out- what depression feels like

boat to keep from drowning in depression

I am trying to hold onto the words but they are as weightless as I am. In this moment all of my physical mass has left me. My ability to stand firmly on the earth is gone and I am aware of the slippery tiles beneath me. I am not sure I will stay upright. I am in the shower with Steve, a practice we began when the boys were so little that the only way to get through the day was to literally double dip, grabbing a moment together before we were back out on the battlefield of parenting young children. Read more […]

Read More
September 1, 2015

Such a Pill

Standing in the sunshine chatting with a friend while she waters our community garden our talk turns from carrots and beets (why is it that 40 something women love beets?) to drugs. Despite being in Colorado, and standing amongst buds and leaves we are not talking about the green kind, but the pink oval pills that get me out of bed each day. She works in the field and confirms what I have been reading and experiencing myself…our system is providing less support for mental illness, exactly at Read more […]

Read More
August 12, 2014

Giving In to Depression

giving in- thinking about suicide and depression

So after battling, sometimes people give in. They have passed the point where they can turn things around on their own. Their intense love for their children is buried under heaps of misery so thick they can barely speak their own name. Whatever energy they have is used to put on a public face, pretend to be functional for the people around them, and is not towards shining a light of reason into the blackness of depression.

Read More
August 7, 2013

Float or sink.

The oldest man in the world is doing laps in front of us. As the boys bicker over whether or not to play ping pong I watch him bob forward. I am both impressed and alarmed. I imagine he wouldn’t mind going this way…but I’d rather not be here for it. His loose skin, having lost the elasticity of youth is half a stroke behind him, dragging in the water like a peach parachute. The boys have moved on to a tickle/taunt game. Right now giggles. Coming soon shrieks. The pool area is pretty empty, our Read more […]

Read More
July 25, 2013

Love is an elective

Hands making the sign of love

His face is unreadable. I wait. I’ve learned that it takes a while for him to answer, because, oddly to me, he thinks before speaking instead of thinking THROUGH speaking. “Well, I totally agree with you, so go ahead and write it.” Here is the “it” that needed my husband’s permission- unlike the past two graphic posts that I published first and asked second. As much as I love Steve and love our life, I really believe we could both be happy with someone else. Probably lots of other Read more […]

Read More