The elusive orgasm

The public facing comments on my Go Fuck your husband post were quite positive. In private and semi private however some real conversations started. Some women responded that I gave them yet another thing to feel shitty about. Obviously that is not my intention. Hopefully this can turn around and it can be a source of comfort, connection, and climax. Lots of people had particular questions about sex. I’ll answer some of them here.

It seems that as I suspected a fair number of you do not in fact fuck your husbands on any kind of regular basis. If the “you really ought to” tone of the other post wasn’t convincing enough perhaps I can appeal to your selfish side.

If I told you that there was a 4 minute intervention that would get you a chef, cleaner, best friend, and masseuse you would do it. You would line up to do it. Now, I can’t promise all of those results in every case, but there is an excellent chance that you will come closer to all of the above, or whatever your own personal wish list is for your partner. We give each other what we want and need. At least when things are working the way they should in a relationship. Sex is most likely something your husband wants and needs. Give it to him. AND work on making it just as great for you.

  1. Get of your head. I agree that sex can be much more cerebral for women than for men. Our mindset gets us into the act, and out of it. Meditation can help. Practicing quieting the voices in your head allows you to focus on the sensation in your body. A little alcohol can help. Also just starting can help, instead of thinking. When you (possibly inevitably) find yourself in your head, send yourself back to your body. In college one of my friends explained that she could only orgasm when she locked her knees. It made her question how fun she was in bed when she pretty much had to stay in plank position. We worked out that she needed to lock her knees because she used her quad muscles to come (cum? come seems better.) So we gave her the assignment of switching muscle groups. It was the technique she used to get out of her head and into her body. This small change worked for her and allowed her to move around a lot more.
  2. Use the right tools. I know that feeling of frustration.”I just can’t climax.” I’m on Zoloft and it has both dimmed my libido and lengthened the amount of time it takes me to orgasm. So now we use a vibrator a lot more than we did early in our relationship. Neither of us feel badly about this. It is a tool that makes sex more fun so why judge it? Also helpful…the best massage oil/lube…and totally natural.
  3. Relax to Contract. Make sure you are not gritting your teeth, locking your jaw, or keeping your tongue tied to the roof of your mouth. The mouth and vagina are closely connected, and relaxing your mouth helps your vagina relax and contract.
  4. Know your anatomy. Yes, the g spot is real. It is inside, on the front wall of your vagina. Imagine it as the base of your clitoris. It is easier to simulate with digits or toys than a penis. If at first you don’t find it…try, try again.
  5. Just the right move. Many images can help women come. A genteel one is of blooming…imagining a bud turning into a flower. A delicious version is picturing your vagina as a mouth softly sucking the fruit over a peach pit (not the 90210 hang out.) Starting small, moving wide and finishing tightly.  A non-sexual possibility is imagining one of those balloon finger toys turning inside out. The inside is your vaginal canal and you push it down and out.

Remember, no one sex act tells the story of you and your partner. If it is quick, or dry, or uncoordinated, that just ticks that box on the huge huge list of sex experiences you will have together. As long as you go for it often enough that list will start to include simultaneous orgasm, multiple orgasms, tender, funny, all that.

Want more tips on orgasm? Try this book…

Did you like it? Did you climax? Did you feel closer to your husband? Did he cheerfully take part in any task or activity that he might have avoided or grumbled through?


And Steve, I love you, and I am SO FREAKING GLAD that your mother doesn’t read my blog.

Oh, and as for the most common question…I will let Steve text for himself:

Steve's text