I am so sick of my negative self.

I mean, just look at that opening sentence. Which part of it is positive, or forward thing, or useful in any way at all? None part. Not one part.

I am going to rant away right here. As much as I can think of. Then starting tomorrow I will look for bright spots again.

I’m assuming this is the VERY worst day of the med switch. I am off of the theraputic dose of zoloft and not yet up to the theraputic (how do you spell theraputic?) dose of the new medicine that starts with a V. (Not viagra)

Here is how it is. I did the first day of couch to 5k today. I started with my one fat friend (why is everyone but the two of us so fucking fit in Vermont.) I thought it would suck. It sucked. We had comically matching black pants and turquoise zip hoodies and we “ran” for 60 seconds and walked “briskly” for 90 seconds and when we had the breath to do it we told each other how much it sucked. A lot.

And now is the time when I should feel virtuous right? If that word didn’t make me just want to tear apart all of the dogma that comes behind it. But I should feel accomplished, right? But instead I feel sore and smelly and like I did it once so I should be done.

What is this bullshit about doing things over and over.

Our houseguests ran the laundry for 4 days. I mean literally never ever stopped.I can hear the dryer in my head. Ch che ch che ch che. Thats what a dryer sounds like in text. Now I have laundry but I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to hear that sound. Ch che ch che ch che. So instead we will have pee sheets. And silence.

One of the worst things about being unmedicated (other than the weeping and the rage) is the clear view I have of my own responsibility for all of the things that annoy me. All those times I feel taken advantage of? I made it so. Really, invited it, even insisted on it. Then went all woe is me.

Example: I was selling a rug at a yard sale. He was interested in it. I told him just to take it. Now I feel taken advantage of. Leo is 7. Nothing is ever his fault. He got hit with a soccer ball at practice, and it was the coaches fault because the coach put him in there. The coach happens to be his father, but that isnt the point of the story. The point is, woe is Leo. Leo is woeful. We are all to blame.

At my best I don’t feel that way. Probably even at my mediumist. Reading over this blog I have many many cases of taking responsibility and even over identifying my weaknesses. However this one is real.

I talk people into accepting my “generosity” then I begrudge them. What is that?

The whole both/and thing is so strong and real.

I really do think I kick ass. (joke referring to the use of ‘I’ being a sign of relative weakness.) I crack myself up. I make great connections. I have so many many interesting ideas.

AND

I do such crazy shit. Here’s one. And she will be reading this here for the first time, so just let me say I KNOW how lame this is. And confusing.

I share my office. I shared it first with Lea. She had the idea to get an office, I found the office, we shared the office. As in, we both payed rent. But we didn’t really share it because she never used it. So then Angela wanted to share it. And I wanted her to share it. So I told her that it cost $400/month. And she said yes. And we have been happily co-officing.

But it costs $450/month. Why why why would I do that? Did I think that extra $25/month would make her say no. I didn’t give her a chance to make that evaluation. Did I think the office (an extension of me in the psychobabble way) was worth 200 but NOT 250. If I was going to lie about it why such a small lie. Why not give her a bigger price break, or make me some money. Why lie?

Honesty is my brand. Yet. There is that story. So every month until I wrote this post and came clean I was going to get her check for $200 and feel bad about it. And not even have given her a chance to be an equal partner. Did I want to pay more to “control” the office? If she didn’t know that makes no sense. NO SENSE.

I do think I wanted to make the office share more palatable. Does positive intent make up for small and seemingly pointless actions?

I don’t know people.

I cant be the only one that does this seemingly pointless crazy stuff and then twists in knots about it. Can I?

 

 

 

 

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Anna Rosenblum Palmer is a freelance writer based in Denver, CO. She writes about sex, parenting, cat pee, bi-polar disorder and the NFL; all things inextricably intertwined with her mental health. In her free time she teaches her boys creative swear words, seeks the last missing puzzle piece and thinks deeply about how she is not exercising. Her writing can be found on Babble, Parent.co, Great Moments in Parenting, Ravishly, Good Men Project, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Playpen, Crazy Good Parent, and YourTango. She also does a fair amount of navel gazing on her own blog at annarosenblumpalmer.com.

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