This is a real life text string between me (me) another person (op) and another other person (oop)
me: Easy way to fail at diet hour 1. (buy these delicious tempting morsels here)
OP: That’s the benefit of never having food in the house. No temptation.
Me: And this:
OP: I fucking love donuts.
Me: And this:
Me: All within two feet of each other.
OP: And candy? Shit!
Me: Steve told me he would purge the house (which is totally not his responsibility) but this is sort of a fail. He doesn’t help when he cooks steak, and fried potatoes, and roasted chicken with crispy skin, and homemade bread with butter.
OP: Its too delicious
Me: And I am actually beginning to cry as I text this.
Op: Oh honey, shit times. That’s the saddest face I have ever seen.
Me: Its my no butter face,
OP: I hate that:
Me: The accountant just emailed me, that face is worse than the no butter face.
Tools of the trade:
OP: We got a vitamix. My first smoothie was a fail. Way too many beets.
Other other person: Beets make a lot of trouble in a smoothie world.
OOP: I stick to greens and yogurt. Though not together.
Me: I bought the electromagnetic ab exerciser. How can’t that lose? It’s better than a diet.
Me: Here is just ONE way it can lose. By not fitting around my waist.
Born at the wrong time:
Me: Being married to abstemious fit people sucks.
OP: Yes, such incredible self control.
Me: Its not though. It ISNT THE SAME It would be like complimenting my mother on not getting a new car. Their pleasure comes from the discipline and the denial.
OP: No. We have many discussions about how I say he doesn’t understand what feeling out of control around food feels like. He really doesn.t.
Me: If somehow the world were reversed and being plump and enjoying throw pillows were the “virtues” then they would fail. Its the time we live in.
Me: We would have been kick ass in the 1700s. Round and happy, eating grapes on pillows.