The elusive orgasm

The public facing comments on my Go Fuck your husband post were quite positive. In private and semi private however some real conversations started. Some women responded that I gave them yet another thing to feel shitty about. Obviously that is not my intention. Hopefully this can turn around and it can be a source of comfort, connection, and climax. Lots of people had particular questions about sex. I’ll answer some of them here.

It seems that as I suspected a fair number of you do not in fact fuck your husbands on any kind of regular basis. If the “you really ought to” tone of the other post wasn’t convincing enough perhaps I can appeal to your selfish side.

If I told you that there was a 4 minute intervention that would get you a chef, cleaner, best friend, and masseuse you would do it. You would line up to do it. Now, I can’t promise all of those results in every case, but there is an excellent chance that you will come closer to all of the above, or whatever your own personal wish list is for your partner. We give each other what we want and need. At least when things are working the way they should in a relationship. Sex is most likely something your husband wants and needs. Give it to him. AND work on making it just as great for you.

  1. Get of your head. I agree that sex can be much more cerebral for women than for men. Our mindset gets us into the act, and out of it. Meditation can help. Practicing quieting the voices in your head allows you to focus on the sensation in your body. A little alcohol can help. Also just starting can help, instead of thinking. When you (possibly inevitably) find yourself in your head, send yourself back to your body. In college one of my friends explained that she could only orgasm when she locked her knees. It made her question how fun she was in bed when she pretty much had to stay in plank position. We worked out that she needed to lock her knees because she used her quad muscles to come (cum? come seems better.) So we gave her the assignment of switching muscle groups. It was the technique she used to get out of her head and into her body. This small change worked for her and allowed her to move around a lot more.
  2. Use the right tools. I know that feeling of frustration.”I just can’t climax.” I’m on Zoloft and it has both dimmed my libido and lengthened the amount of time it takes me to orgasm. So now we use a vibrator a lot more than we did early in our relationship. Neither of us feel badly about this. It is a tool that makes sex more fun so why judge it? Also helpful…the best massage oil/lube…and totally natural.
  3. Relax to Contract. Make sure you are not gritting your teeth, locking your jaw, or keeping your tongue tied to the roof of your mouth. The mouth and vagina are closely connected, and relaxing your mouth helps your vagina relax and contract.
  4. Know your anatomy. Yes, the g spot is real. It is inside, on the front wall of your vagina. Imagine it as the base of your clitoris. It is easier to simulate with digits or toys than a penis. If at first you don’t find it…try, try again.
  5. Just the right move. Many images can help women come. A genteel one is of blooming…imagining a bud turning into a flower. A delicious version is picturing your vagina as a mouth softly sucking the fruit over a peach pit (not the 90210 hang out.) Starting small, moving wide and finishing tightly.  A non-sexual possibility is imagining one of those balloon finger toys turning inside out. The inside is your vaginal canal and you push it down and out.

Remember, no one sex act tells the story of you and your partner. If it is quick, or dry, or uncoordinated, that just ticks that box on the huge huge list of sex experiences you will have together. As long as you go for it often enough that list will start to include simultaneous orgasm, multiple orgasms, tender, funny, all that.

Want more tips on orgasm? Try this book…

Did you like it? Did you climax? Did you feel closer to your husband? Did he cheerfully take part in any task or activity that he might have avoided or grumbled through?


And Steve, I love you, and I am SO FREAKING GLAD that your mother doesn’t read my blog.

Oh, and as for the most common question…I will let Steve text for himself:

Steve's text


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Anna Palmer

Anna Rosenblum Palmer is a freelance writer based in Denver, CO. She writes about sex, parenting, cat pee, bi-polar disorder and the NFL; all things inextricably intertwined with her mental health. In her free time she teaches her boys creative swear words, seeks the last missing puzzle piece and thinks deeply about how she is not exercising. Her writing can be found on Babble,, Great Moments in Parenting, Ravishly, Good Men Project, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Playpen, Crazy Good Parent, and YourTango. She also does a fair amount of navel gazing on her own blog at

7 thoughts on “The elusive orgasm”

  1. I love it. And, Chris will love it, too, even though he won’t know who to thank, necessarily…
    For me, getting started is the hardest part. After that, it’s like riding a bike…right? Sometimes, the bike is rusty; other times, it’s well-oiled. But, ultimately, it gets you where you need to be – closer and more in tune with one another or might even garner you something more selfish like a bubble bath and wine while he watches the kid(s).

  2. I love and admire you for writing this. No lost friends here. I long ago recognized that if left to my own devices I would never have sex, but that having it hands-down wholeheartedly absolutely made my connection with my husband better, made our marriage better, made getting the kids to school in the morning less of a chore. But, I have a really hard time getting warmed up, especially when I was on anti-depressants, and sometimes the sheer effort of trying to get there is overwhelming. So for the last few years, I’ve used porn (the one or two videos I can bear) to get there faster. I don’t know if it’s cheating, but it eases the anxiety of whether or how I will get there and lets me just enjoy it. I can’t say I do it for him as much as I do it for us, but it likely has saved our marriage. (Steve, man, he’s a keeper).

  3. I just discovered the illusive G-spot a few months ago and I’m almost 43. Can’t get at it without a dildo/vibrator as of yet. At first I was pissed that it took this many years to locate it, but now I’m just enjoying the fact that I can be at this stage in my life and still be in an exploratory phase, still be able to be surprised. I’m one of those women who has a very low libido and I have to talk myself into wanting sex often. I almost always get started b/c I’m doing it for our marriage, but by the end I’m thinking ‘wtf is your problem, that was spectacular and I feel great!’…..god knows it brings my husband a lot closer in our relationship and that enough is worth doing it when I’m not in the mood, too.

    Thanks for having the courage to stick this out there. You rock.

  4. We have sex every day that we see each other awake, which is sadly only two days a week right now. I don’t always feel like doing the mister and I definitely don’t feel like I owe it to him, but I do it because in the end I know I’ll be happier and it feels good. I am truly that selfish and I fucking hate the cleanup. I have an IUD, so no condoms.
    I think not having sex with your partner be they male or female is a sign that there is discord in one’s relationship. If you aren’t having sex at least a couple times a week I would say it’s time to have a look see at the relationship and see who isn’t happy.
    I like talking about anything, so the fact that you put sex up for debate only makes me happy. People who are upset by this need to do some looking inward.

  5. Anna, I adore you for being willing to leap – on this and many other things. These last two posts were very well written and IMHO need to be seen by a larger audience. Solid stuff for a world in which we all need simple solutions on how to connect. So that’s the gush. The question I’m left with is this: will doing the ACT more often get HIM to meet the needs I have beyond housework and childcare? I want, want, want that emotional connection with my spouse, but I sometimes wonder if I’m “going to the hardware store for milk?” I am best off using my network of amazing women when I need: an understanding ear, a shoulder to cry on or commiseration on my rants. Afterall, its not about the nail.

    Thank you – admirer in disguise

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